rape culture

[kengr]

While writing to a friend about some stupid attitudes on line (and in meatspace) I suddenly had a flash of inspiration.

You know all those folks who say "she was acting like a slut" or "dressed like a slut"? The ones who are essentially saying "because of the way she acted/dressed I couldn't help myself?"

Well, upon reflection, I think that any guy who can manage to refrain from jacking off in public should be able to restrain himself from raping someone.

Either way, it's giving in to an impulse for sex. So why can they not do one, but claim that they can't control themselves for the other?

Comments

[iamjw.livejournal.com]

Because the excuse is a lie. Rape is about violent control. It has nothing to do with sex except in its most basic terms.

[kengr]

Because the excuse is a lie.

I didn't intend to imply that the excuse was true. Though I fear far too many may believe it themselves, because we do such a poor job of training teens and later about these things.

Rape is about violent control. It has nothing to do with sex except in its most basic terms.

That's another "easy answer" and no more right than the older "it's all about sex" "answer".

Having been an overly hormonal *male* teen, with poor impulse control, I feel I can state with some certainty that to a teen encountering a drunk girl at a high school or college party, control and violence isn't why he'd have sex with her. It'd be all about the sex.

I never did that. I didn't have the chance, and I think I understood that there was a line there. But I did equally dumb things due to my desire for sex.

Mind you that doesn't hake it any more right to take advantage of someone who can't consent. But it's not automatically violence nor about control.

It *is* about someone who doesn't have a clue that his gratifying of his desires is wrong. The huge number of "But she didn't say NO" comments I've seen on tumblr posts about rape shows how badly we've failed at teaching children. The "non means no" campaigns may have *hurt* more than helped since what seems to have been learned is "it's ok if she doesn't say no."

As I commented to a friend, we really need to switch over to a "Did she say YES? If not, it's rape." model.

And yes, you *do* get into violence/control stuff with the "drunk"/"high" girl scenarios sometimes. Especially if multiple guys are involved. Heck, from some incidents I've heard about it is more likely if there are a bunch of not as drunk girls around to egg on the guys.

But sometimes it *is* just about the guy getting his rocks off. And him being to ignorant or dumb to realize that what he's doing is wrong.

This isn't the majority of incidents. But it can't just be swept under the rug either. Because it gives clues about what needs to be taught.


"nothing to do with sex except in the most basic terms" is an interesting phrase. Because it implies that there's more to sex than the act of intercourse.

There's more to love, affection, and relationships. But *sex* is just that, the bare act. And trying to make *sex* something more is misleading.

Sex is just a physical act. It can be a *component* of a lot of things. Good and bad.

This is why we draw a distinction between "fucking" and "making love".

[xander-opal.livejournal.com]

I like the phrase used at the Captain Awkward site:

"Enthusiastic Consent."