Mugger gets his...

(from an SCA mailing list)

Well, Z, you never know. My son picked up this story out Memphis a couple of days ago, on the Myspace SCA list. It seems there was this idiot who thought to mug a young lady; turned out she was an SCA fighter, and she objected to him *strongly.* After the story got onto Myspace, Michael Alewright of Pittsburgh, PA, penned the following, from the point of view of the hapless thief:

Officer, please help me, 'cause I'm really in a fix.
I feel like I've been battered by an angry ton of bricks.
I'm reporting an assault, and won't you help me get away?
I don't think I can stand up by myself just yet, today.

I was lurking in a darkened street, to practice at my trade,
When who should come along but just the sweetest little maid!
I said, "I'm sure you've got some cash, my pocket's feeling light,
So how about you share it, and we'll both survive the night?"

Now, I'm an honest robber, and I tell it like it is.
And though I am a fellow who will take what isn't his,
I am a true professional, and have my role to play;
For in the urban jungle, one is predator *or* prey.

Apparently, the lady didn't recognize her cue
To empty out her purse to give her thief his rightful due.
Instead, she said, "Go sod yourself, I'm keeping what is mine!
I thank you for your offer, but respectfully decline."

A man like me is not told, "No." I drew my shining blade,
And safe behind its sturdy length, I moved to cut the maid!
Once hurt by sharpened steel, what silly girl would dare oppose?
My thrust connected badly, and that's when she broke my nose.

Before I had recovered, she was on me in a bound,
And all I knew was blood and pain, face-down on the ground.
I think that's where I lost my tooth; the knife had left my hand,
And oh, I'd have my vengeance (just as soon as I could stand).

The damsel gave no quarter, but instead I got the shaft;
She screamed a bloody war-cry, and my insides felt a draft.
I couldn't even find the air to beg her for my life,
For I had lost the battle (but at least I'd found my knife).

So officer, I beg you, keep that vicious girl away
Who didn't understand she was supposed to be my prey.
Please patch me up, 'cause truth to tell, I'm feeling rather poor,
Then cart me off to prison, where at least I'll feel secure!

Ancient SCA filk

(tune should be obvious :-)

Rhinestone Viking

I been sailing these seas so long,
Singin' the same old song,
I know every fjord in these icy waters of Norway;
Where plunder's the name of the game,
With a Viking ship and an unpronounceable name.
There'll be no compromisin', when there's loot on my horizon,
'Cause I'm gonna be where the lights are shinin' on me.

Like a Rhinestone Viking,
Sailing out on the seas in a star-spangled dragon-boat.
Like a Rhinestone Viking,
Raping cows and women in countries I don't even know,
And burning down Englishmen's homes.

A new world was my quest,
Red Eric pointed me west,
And we sailed 'till we came to land we came to call Vinland;
Where there'll be no battle or rape,
And the only blood spilled is the trampled juice of the grape.
And there'll be no early risin'
Because the sunlight hurts my eyes'n,
'Cause I'm gonna be where the lights are shinin' on me.

Like a Rhinestone Viking,
Snoring out in the sun mumbling words that rhyme in rune.
Like a Rhinestone Viking,
Holding two flagons of the brew that proved my ruin,
I bottled it last afternoon.