Please stop and *think*, people.

[kengr]

A while back I posted over on callahanians about a long time friend's SO. He's been diagnosed with cancer, too lsate to expect much from treatment, and unlikely to last a year.

Well, They're a long time couple (been together as long as Ive known them, and that's at least 20 years. They don't believe in marriage (I think they both had marriages that didn't work out well.

But as she pointed out in a recent post, (paraphrased) "as our gay friends can tell us, marriage conveys a lot of legal rights and privileges that are difficult and expensive to get any other way. So we held our noses and got married on Friday".

Obviously they were thinking of stuff like inheritance and medical decision making. Pretty clear, right?

When I saw the announcement I added a note to an email noting that I'd seen it. Her reply had an "And?"

I replied that I felt it needed to be mentioned, but that under the circumstances, congratulations were definitely not in order.

She acknowledged that. And went on to gritch about the fact that several friends *had* congratulated them.

Can you say WTF?


As the subject says, please stop and *think* about a situation before commenting on it. Just because one *normally* offers congratulations (or regrets) about an event doesn't mean that those *always* appropriate. And when the "normal" response isn't appropriate it's almost always *horribly* inappropriate.

So please, before offering a response to something you hear about someone, stop and consider the *actual* situation and the people involved. And adjust your response accordingly.

This has been a public service annoucement that will hopefully prevent you from looking like an idiot and/or hurting people.

Comments

Asking first

[fayanora.livejournal.com]

Asking if I can make a post on Tumblr referring vaguely to this post as "some friends of a friend of mine" because I think it's an important message but don't want to risk them getting more crap from trolls or whatever. With as vague as I plan to be, I doubt anyone will connect it back here, but I figured it was best to ask you before I did.

Re: Asking first

[kengr]

It's pretty vague already. Just be sure not to use any info I gave you in person. Just use the stuff from here, but don't link directly. (Don't cut & paste either)

Re: Asking first

[fayanora.livejournal.com]

For your vetting convenience: http://fayanora.tumblr.com/post/89126840376/think-before-you-congratulate

Re: Asking first

[kengr]

Looks good. Though I probably should have had an example of things going the other way.

As an example, sometimes death is definitely not a bad thing. Say someone who was suffering for a long time. Especially if they and their "family" are of the "it's a better place we go to" sort.

You *can* piss off folks like that treating the death as a downer rather than a release.

So the rule isn't just "be careful about offering congratulations". It's more "stop and *think* about the *actual* situation and how the people involved feel about it before jumping in with a "stock" response.

[xander-opal.livejournal.com]

Context of the news is very important. I'm certain that the couple who got legally married for legal reasons delivered the news in a different way to their friends than a couple who had intended to go through the ceremony and legalities from the beginning.

There's also a good deal of stimulus-response combined with social training via media and previous experience. Most Americans aren't socially equipped to offer the proper response to a marriage that has all the meaning of putting each on the other's auto insurance approved drivers, or the death of a relative that is a release from pain rather than an unexpected thing.