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Parenting and related
Mar. 25th, 2015 04:21 pm[disclaimer. No, I'm not a parent. But I've been a kid, and unlike many adults I *remember* many of the stupid things I did and the stupid things adults did. I've also been a nanny]
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fayanora wrote:
The problem with most parents is they don’t realize that kids need to understand WHY the rules are there, beyond “because I said so.” Like, “Don’t run in the house because you could trip and poke your eye out on a table corner.” Or “Don’t hit your brother; you don’t like it when he hits you, so don’t be a dick.”
Don't forget that many times you have to get the kid to comply *now*. And there isn't time to explain they "why" (to say nothing of the ability of younger kids to extend "why" into infinite recursion)
As an example, the kid has to stop when you yell at them to stop, not stand in the street and argue about it while the car is bearing down on them.
But yeah, parents need to remember that they didn't give a reason and explain things AS SOON AS PRACTICAL.
Which brings us to the *real* problem. Adults have to realize that even if the kid can parrot back your lecture on "why", that doesn't mean that they *understand* those reason (or that they consider it fair if they do understand them).
I recall being greatly upset that I was somehow expected to know that "you can't do X" meant I couldn't do Y either.
And then there's the classic where "don't talk to strangers" and related "stranger danger" stuff didn't work because the adults *assumed* the kids knew what a stranger *was*. since it never occurred to the adults to explain the word, the kids had to attempt to *deduce* the meaning from context. Which led to man a kid thinking the "strangers where some sort of scary person.
First step is explain why. Second step needs to be having the kid explain to you IN THEIR OWN WORDS what you've told them. And that has to include asking them what words *mean*.
"Don't play in traffic" doesn't work if the kid doesn't know what "traffic" is.
Even more important, *don't* fly off the handle if the kid is taking the rules literally. Up thru (say) age 8 or later that's the way many kids brains *work*. They are still learning to generalize.
Also, a lot of kids may think "differently" than you do. For example, if they are even a bit autistic/aspie, generalizing from "you can't do X" to "you can't do X or actions somewhat similar to X" is *not* going to happen.
So expecting some kids to understand that "don't hit your sister with that toy truck" implies "don't hit your sister" is a major fail on the part of the adult.
It also makes "don't do that" a really problematic thing to say. You need to develop the skill to be sufficiently specific without being overly specific.
fayanora wrote:The problem with most parents is they don’t realize that kids need to understand WHY the rules are there, beyond “because I said so.” Like, “Don’t run in the house because you could trip and poke your eye out on a table corner.” Or “Don’t hit your brother; you don’t like it when he hits you, so don’t be a dick.”
Don't forget that many times you have to get the kid to comply *now*. And there isn't time to explain they "why" (to say nothing of the ability of younger kids to extend "why" into infinite recursion)
As an example, the kid has to stop when you yell at them to stop, not stand in the street and argue about it while the car is bearing down on them.
But yeah, parents need to remember that they didn't give a reason and explain things AS SOON AS PRACTICAL.
Which brings us to the *real* problem. Adults have to realize that even if the kid can parrot back your lecture on "why", that doesn't mean that they *understand* those reason (or that they consider it fair if they do understand them).
I recall being greatly upset that I was somehow expected to know that "you can't do X" meant I couldn't do Y either.
And then there's the classic where "don't talk to strangers" and related "stranger danger" stuff didn't work because the adults *assumed* the kids knew what a stranger *was*. since it never occurred to the adults to explain the word, the kids had to attempt to *deduce* the meaning from context. Which led to man a kid thinking the "strangers where some sort of scary person.
First step is explain why. Second step needs to be having the kid explain to you IN THEIR OWN WORDS what you've told them. And that has to include asking them what words *mean*.
"Don't play in traffic" doesn't work if the kid doesn't know what "traffic" is.
Even more important, *don't* fly off the handle if the kid is taking the rules literally. Up thru (say) age 8 or later that's the way many kids brains *work*. They are still learning to generalize.
Also, a lot of kids may think "differently" than you do. For example, if they are even a bit autistic/aspie, generalizing from "you can't do X" to "you can't do X or actions somewhat similar to X" is *not* going to happen.
So expecting some kids to understand that "don't hit your sister with that toy truck" implies "don't hit your sister" is a major fail on the part of the adult.
It also makes "don't do that" a really problematic thing to say. You need to develop the skill to be sufficiently specific without being overly specific.
