You just don't get it

(the below was a response to a post about the Readercon mess that noted men pretty much don't understand what it's like for women in the world. I figured it could use a larger audience because it's something far too few people grasp.)

I hear you. Oh lord do I hear you.

And I agree, straight, cis males don't get it. And gay or trans bio-males only get it after an incident drives it home.

Two defining moments for me, that might help some guy understand. Years and years back (mid-70s) a gay friend I had a crush on had to warn me that holding hands or otherwise showing affection in public could get us beaten up or worse.

A dozen years back, when I was starting to get involved in the local TG community, poor planning on my part wound up with me having to walk 3/4ths of a mile to a bus stop after dark. En femme.

I was only nervous until I saw a group of guys approaching. *Then* the fear hit. Fear of rape, fear of what would happen if they "made" me as "a guy in a dress", and fear of if they didn't make me and tried sexual assault *then* found out...

Until you have to consciously consider (as a *reality*, not some abstract) that you can be assaulted or even killed by some random guy or guys, just for being female/trans/gay "in public" it's not gonna be real to you. :-

And as a person who was bullied a lot growing up, let me tell the guys who think that they understand what it'd be like just because they were bullied.

No, it's *not* the same. Not remotely. Bullies will intimidate you and play dominance games. Up to and including beating on you some.

But the stuff women (and trans folks) have to worry about *starts* with rape and rapidly gets worse.