Lawyer Jokes

Do you know what the problem is with lawyer jokes?
The lawyers don’t think they’re funny and, the rest of us don’t think they’re jokes.

Why are lawyers like enemas?
You hate them until you need one, then you still hate them.

What is a criminal lawyer?
Redundant.

How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
Depends on how thin you slice them.

How do you know if a lawyer is well hung?
When you can’t fit your fingers between the rope and his neck.

Why does Washington, D.C. have the most lawyers and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
New Jersey had first pick.

What do slime molds have more of than lawyers?
Respect.

Why did the lawyer cross the road?
He saw a car accident on the other side.

What do you call an honest lawyer?
An impossibility.

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with another lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things that not even nature can permit.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
Hell, you need two-hundred and fifty just to lobby for the research grant.

What are lawyers good for?
They make car salesmen look good.