SCA "Skiippy's List"

(from a local SCA mailing list I maintain)

Some friends on the Armour Archive are making a "SCA Skippy List" for
the SCA. Look at www.skippyslist.com for a reference.

Oddly enough, most of these have apparently happened.

1. ...where I promise to "wear appropriate clothes in Their Majesties presence" covers the time where I wore nothing but a lime green bath towel to a chiv meeting... and yes it was rather drafty...
2. Full-body woad, by itself, is not garb.
3. I will not ask a duke "So what are you going to do about it" when both of us are in armor
4. I will not wear my spurs in bed.
5. While baby-sitting my knight's daughter, I will not teach her any dirty words to call daddy.
6. Squire Skippy is not allowed to borrow his knights armour and go insult the Tuchuxs then return the armour to his knight in time for the great field battle at Pennsic.
7. Apprentice Skippy is not allowed to demonstrate vat dyeing or the making of niello upwind of his Laurel at *ANY* time.
8. Sir Skippy may not duct tape his athletic cup to his flesh so he can go fighting.
9. Laurel Skippy will not make a set of "boffer" spurs for a a Knight so he could wear them on his water bed...
10. Even as a christmas present
11. Even if the Knight thought he was going to have to call the EMTs due to his wife lauging so hard.
12. I am no longer permitted to tell the SEM he is disconnected from reality.
13. Neither am I allowed to produce pictures and videotape to prove it.
14. I am no longer allowed to use logic in arguments with Society officers. If God had wanted my view to prevail He would have made me an officer.
15. Duct tape is an unacceptable armor construction material.
16. No matter how thick I layer it.
17. Simply writing the words "douche bag" on an A&S form is not proper feedback even if it is in latin or runes.
18. Man at arms Skippy is not allowed to play monoply in his tent with his lady while giggeling, making the barony think he and his lady are getting it on in...
19. "Kill them all. God will know his own" is not an acceptable form of pep-talk to squires before a tournament.
20. Must not teach children to reflexively yell "light!" whenever they bump into things.
21. Not allowed to strew pitch on the field, and not allowed under any circumstances to light arrows on fire to make a battle "more historical AND interesting"
22. If, in planning for a battle, an idea makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds, I should assume I am not allowed to use it.
23. If an idea makes Nissan Maxima or Sir Vitus giggle for more than 15 seconds, notify emergency personnel immediately.
24. The Coopers do not accept claims of sovereign territory.
25. I am not allowed to let my squire brother "kill" the army commander right after orders are given before a major battle.
26. Even if it is deserved.
27. Even if he is first in line.
28. I am not allowed to use any of my squire brothers as collateral for a bet.
29. or payment of a bet.
30. even for beer.
31. I am not allowed to put a member of my fighting unit on the end of a spear for "better reach"
32. even if it is not technically against the rules
33. even if she is small enough in full armour
34. especially if she is fighting sword and shield
35. If attacking the fort at Pennsic, I am not allowed to knock and say "Pizza delivery"
36. or "Candygram"
37. Or "landshark"
38. Or any quote any skit from SNL.
39. even if a knight starts it.
40. especially if my knight starts it.
41. Royal retainers are not allowed to respond with "God wills it!" when ever they are given a command by the king.
42. Even if the king's persona is a crusader.
43. especially if the king's persona is a viking.
44. Royal retainers are not allowed to tell people they are on the "goon squad"
45. Or "the royal secret police"
46. especially when delivering summons by the king.
47. even if they are.
48. especially if they are.
49. I am not allowed to sing "ten little indians" while hitting enemy fighters with a polearm.
50. even if they are good shots.
51. especially if I get a rhythm going.
52. I am not allowed to mark my armour with yellow duct tape and call myself a mass weapon.
53. I am not allowed to mark heavy fighters with yellow duct tape and call them mass weapons.
54. I am not allowed to mark laurels with yellow duct tape and call them mass weapons of destruction.
55. Skippy is not allowed to shield surf into battle on a large scuti held by his four men-at-arms.
56. Skippy is not allowed to Lo-Jack the enemy commander so we can find him and kill him.
57. Skippy is not allowed to put cash bounties on the heads of people on his own side.
58. Skippy is not allowed to have strippers on the sidelines to distract opponents.
59. Skippy is not allowed to call the known world chivalry pussies and start his own wars.
60. The Crown does not accept the sworn fealty of sock-puppets.
61. I will make no attempt to reprise the full plate armor sex scene from "Excalibur".
62. Squire Skippy shall not get loaded and walk around camp yelling "I am Sir <insert knight's name> and you suck!" at top of lungs.
63. If Squire Skippy is too hung over to fight, perhaps he'd like to carry water...wearing bunny fur bikini.
64. Squire Skippy is to remain sober and be responsible for preventing drunk knight from drowning in hot tub.
65. Squire Skippy shall not misplace hauberk on loan from knight.
66. Naval jelly is not suitable for cleaning knight's sword.
67. Axe-diving is not an appropriate pastime.
68. Challenging people to "chug" everclear & kool-aid is unacceptable.
69. If Squire Skippy's late-night visitor leaves behind any, umm, "interesting" souvenirs, a detailed explanation will be required at breakfast.

Please feel free to add on! I know that quite a few of these
actually occurred!

-Aaron (Will)