(no subject)

I seem to have screwed up again. :-(

I won't go into any details, they don't really matter. I'm just going to post something I wrote a few years back after something similar.

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This is something I've considered sending out to a mailing list that a
lot of folks who attend a social gathering I attend regularly read.
It's sparked by a couple of major miscommunications that have occurred
involving me. It's followed by something I'd like to say to them, but
don't quite dare. But I figured that here, maybe I can get some
advice/suggestions/something.

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Ok, I've got a confession of sorts to make. I'd hoped to avoid this,
but it's now obvious that I need to let folks know or I'll have more
trouble than I've already had.

I've got a problem of sorts, and sometimes it causes trouble dealing
with other people. It may sound trivial when I describe it, but trust
me, it isn't. It can be a major pain.

I'm socially naive and a bit clueless or "dense" about a lot of social
stuff. So sometimes I make mistakes in social situations or don't "get"
signals most people don't even realize they are responding to.

I try not to screw up, but given that I *don't* know a lot of stuff
other folks take for granted, it's kinda hard *not* to screw up at
times.

So, *please*, if I'm acting "odd" or doing something wrong (or even
*not* doing something I should be) don't get upset, just let me know
what I'm doing wrong.

Among other things, I don't "get" hints. I'm also pretty bad at
*giving* them. So it's best not to try being overly "subtle" with me.

It *is* possible to tell someone something outright, without hinting.
As long as you are polite about it, they shouldn't have a problem with
it. *I* sure as heck don't.

Likewise, keep in mind that if you aren't getting a satisfactory answer
to a question, it doesn't mean that I'm not willing to tell you. It may
be that I just don't understand what it actually is that you *want* to
know. Specific questions work better than general ones.

And questions that are both general *and* vague are apt to get really
brief answers with low information content. I can't read your mind. And
I've pretty much given up trying to *guess* what people want to know. I
usually get it wrong and embarrass *both* of us by giving way too much
info about the wrong subject.

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Now, I'm sure that to some of you, this seems like making a big deal out of
something that's not all that important.

You are probably thinking something like "What the big deal, so you make a
mistake. It's not like it's the end of the world or something..."

Well, that's another aspect of this. I have a "mild" case of "social anxiety
disorder". What that means is that *for me* social mistakes *are* a big deal.

Matter of fact, the thought of making them scares me the same way looking over
the edge of a cliff scares someone with acrophobia.

It's not a *rational* fear. But it's very real. Real enough that I've had a
panic attack once when I was dumped into a social situation that was too far
beyond my experience.

Try to imagine what it's like. you are at a party, or a munch, and things are
going ok. You are dealing with stuff ok, because you've done it before and
learned that it's ok to do *this* under *those* circumstances.

Now something new or different comes up. Maybe you want to ask somebody
something that might be a bit personal. Or maybe someone has asked *you*
something that goes beyond the "normal" boundaries.

What do you say? *How* do you say it? And remember, if you blow it, something
*horrible* will happen. (yes, I know nothing horrible will *really* happen.
And someone afraid of heights knows they won't fall off the cliff if they look
over the edge, too. Doesn't matter. The problem is an *irrational* response.)

Do you begin to get the idea?

Now consider that you are at this party or the munch because you want to meet
people, because are looking for a partner. Which means you've got to move into
exactly the sort of situations that you don't know how to handle.

One solution, the way I learned to handle what I can handle is to take *very*
small steps. Only problem with this is that by the time you get to know
someone at all well, they've been paired with someone else or even married
them.

So, what to do? Take bigger steps. But *how* big? And what sort? Which is
where I came in, isn't it?

(no subject)

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