kengr | Social skills, yeah right

reading and responding to some stuff in

griffen's LJ reminded me of one of the things I *loathed* at my various jobs over the years.

People expecting "social" interactions with coworkers. People expecting you to discuss whatever they wanted to discuss, often about stuff you'd done away from work, and pressing for details when you try to brush them off.

And, you know damn well that "It's none of your damn business" as a response will put *you* in the wrong.

And if you are "different" even the "standard" social chit-chat openings will lead to trouble.

"What church do you go to?"
"I don't".
"I'm pagan"
"I'm a witch"

"What'd you do over the weekend?"
"I went to a dungeon party and got a wonderful beating."
"My boyfriend flew up and we went to a convention." (male person saying this)

Care to guess what sort of reactions your typical cow-orker would have to those?

Heck, answering the second one with "I went to a science fiction convention" is apt to lead to a discussion that anyone who attends cons is heartily sick of.

What the hell is it with the "coworkers are friends" idea anyway?

We aren't. We shouldn't be *expected* to interact other than on job-related stuff except on the same level as random strangers meeting on the street.

Yes, I know a lot of people *do* make friends with co-workers. That's nice. I've even done it. But it ought to be acceptable for me to *not* want folks trying to "make friends" with me.

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I usually fall back on "Just hanging out with friends. Quiet, really." which is very often the truth, but does nicely even when it isn't.

Of course, I also take delight in occasionally saying what I really think, which has me pretty much pegged as the staff whacko, which is also fine.

I don't discuss my relationship life with general co-workers. Or anyone else who's not a close friend. Ain't nobody's business.

Oh, and I have never, but never, had anyone ask me about my religious affiliations or my church. That's one of those things One Doesn't Do in general conversation in Canada, I think (although maybe it's just that they're all afraid of what I might say :-). Answering with I don't go to church seems perfectly reasonable to me.

Oh I can totally relate to this. What I hate most is the women who try to chit chat with me in the Employee Bathroom. I mean jeez! I am just there to pee not make conversation!

I've found that a good alternative to "None of your business" is "That information is classified on a need-to-know basis." Said with a smile, in a joking tone of voice, it usually gets the point across. And if they continue to press after that, then they will be perceived as being rude.

"I'm not religious" isn't the best possible answer either, but will get you in less trouble (generally) than any of the others. Further comments are usually well-stifled by "That's how I was raised", because then any criticism can be construed as criticism of your parents -- and the kind of person who asks where you attend church has usually been heavily indoctrinated with the notion that you do NOT criticize someone's parents to their face.

I've had some co-workers with whom I was willing to socialize outside the office -- but damned few, and those rarely. I agree that "friendship" should not be an expectation in the workplace.

My first thought on the "classified" type response is not a wise one these days. Even if said with a smile "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you" just trips too many warning bells these days.

I've only run into a few of the "church" type questions, but they are always from the sort of person who wishes to inflict their religion (and other personal life details) on everyone around them.

I don't have a problem with folks who've accepted Jesus into their life. I just wish there weren't so many of them that have to be sure everyone around them knows it.

BTW, for various reasons I *really* prefer not to lie to people about stuff like this. But that leaves me in a real bind since I don't deal well with confrontation.

Alas, I've run into a few people who won't accept a brush-off answer. Which leaves me getting more and more anxious and risking an explosion at them. If I'm lucky, it'll be "Just leave me alone!!!". If not things could get ugly.

I had to go to stupid "sales rallies" (I wasn't on the sales force), "holiday parties" (I didn't want to celebrate holidays with my cow-orkers), long "business lunches" which accomplished nothing, and other such nonsense.

I hated it. I won't do it again, political environment of the workplace or no. and I will make that a condition of my continued employment: that I not be required to "socialize" with people. Period.

I managed to avoid a couple of "company dinners". I daresay that if I hadn't, I might have had my second full-fledged panic attack at one.

Getting hired with a "I won't socialize" declation on the table isn't likely, alas.

I've thought a time or two about writing up the pluses and minuses of my "mindset" as an LJ post and asking for advice on how to phrase it so as to have it on the table, but avoid (or at least reduce) the negative impact on my chances of getting hired.

I take positive JOY in being asked the questions that allow me to bring attention to the wierd and alien living in their midst. I socialize when and how I feel like it, and if I feel like isolating myself, placing the headphones on and turning your back on the world works pretty well.

Having been hassled, attacked and ostracized for many years for being different, and not being able to fight back (nor allowed to try) I am conditioned to stealth mode and confrontation avoidance.

Oh yeah, at one job, I had an idiot I was trying to ignore *set fire* to the newspaper I was reading. And while he got in trouble, I got a lecture about not handling things properly.

<sigh>

I don't grok a lot of social rules and I was rather thoroughly conditioned from an early age by amatuer aversion theraphy to "you aren't allowed to make mistakes. Not a good combo.

Social skills, yeah right

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I'm the opposite of many of you, apparently...

Re: I'm the opposite of many of you, apparently...