Feelings...

[kengr]

Last night when I was talking to Lin, we were discussing trying to get the three of us (me, her, and her husband, Kermit) together to try out Chez Geek. (Yes, Griffen, it's all your fault! :-)

She pointed out that there weren't a lot of places to sit in my apartment (true). I jokingly pointed out that we'd need a clear tabletop to play.

Alas, I had stepped on a land mine.

I hadn't realized that the fact that her place is pretty messy bothered her. She'd prefer that it be much neater, but her fibro and her sometimes there sometimes not vision don't let her keep it as clean as she'd like.

So she blew up at me. She let me know in no uncertain terms that she was very hurt by that comment. I tried to apologize, but didn't do a very good job.

I worried about it on and off until I finally called her this evening. She was on the phone with a friend so she was pretty brief. She told me she was feeling better, but had to get back to the other call.

For some reason, that tripped things. After I hung up, I started crying. I was pretty upset, and (as those of you who know about my situation growing up could guess) I was afraid that she was going to be mad at me for that "forever".

She called me a while later. And she apologized to me for reacting so badly.

<shock>

I was still a bit "odd" from the tears and worrying, and I guess she could tell from the way I sounded (and the fact that I wasn't saying much).

I tried to explain that I don't deal well with situations where I have "screwed up". Which is true. I don't expect to be forgiven, I expect to have my face rubbed in it again and again. :-(

So she shocked me again by repeating the apology and saying she was forgetting the matter "It never happened" (not the words she used, but the basic idea).

Ok. That's nice. It's just not a reaction I'm at all used to. I guess it's good. But I'm still a bit discombobulated by things not taking the course I "expect".

<sigh>

Someday I may learn to be "normal".

Comments

[tsjafo.livejournal.com]

Forget about "normal," just be yourself.

[kengr]

There are parts of myself I'd just as soon not have. Such as that "reflex" reaction to screw-ups.

Yes, being different is sometimes unfairly punished. But sometimes it doesn't do anyone (except possibly some abusers) any good.

In such cases being "normal" is a good thing to wish for.

Re:

[tsjafo.livejournal.com]

I struggled for so long to be normal and never could quite make it. Then I realized that the appearance of normality counts for a lot, and that a lot of folks who I thought were normal, because thats how they appeared, were screwed up worse than I am.

I hope things work out.

[griffen.livejournal.com]

You know, I see ingrained reactions (such as your expectation that you'll be harangued for a fuckup over and over and over again) as an old, boring, but familiar dance. We know the dance, we hate it, but it's familiar, so we keep dancing it over and over again.

And then we get a new partner and they take an unfamiliar step, and while it may keep us away from the parts of the dance that hurt us, it's not familiar, so it's shocking.

Lin didn't dance the dance you're accustomed to, did she?

*hug* Learn a new dance, hon. This one is healthier.

(But please don't be normal. Normal is BORING. *snug*)

[kengr]

You know, I see ingrained reactions (such as your expectation that you'll be harangued for a fuckup over and over and over again) as an old, boring, but familiar dance. We know the dance, we hate it, but it's familiar, so we keep dancing it over and over again.

And then we get a new partner and they take an unfamiliar step, and while it may keep us away from the parts of the dance that hurt us, it's not familiar, so it's shocking.

Lin didn't dance the dance you're accustomed to, did she?

*hug* Learn a new dance, hon. This one is healthier.

It's scary though. Things that are outside our experience are hard to handle because we have no experience with wqhat to do when they occur.

So anyreaction we have has the potential to go very right. Or very wrong. And it's that second possibility that's so scary. We are walking blindfolded and we don't know where the edge of the cliff is.

(But please don't be normal. Normal is BORING. *snug*)

In this case "normal" is being used as the opposite of "abnormal". Or perhaps "dysfunctional".

Besides, I could stand to have some aspects of my life be boring.