Analysis from my perspective (some experience, but not drastic or majorly traumatic, experience of childhood bullying; adult experience as an educator) follows. CW for discussion of children and adults and emotional abuse ...
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It may take two people to have an equal back-and-forth, positive or negative, but many interactions AREN'T equal. Someone initiates, or escalates, something; the other person has to respond *somehow,* even if the response is being passive or avoiding them, and passivity/avoidance/politeness just do NOT stop people who want to push or take or hurt or take advantage.
If the list of acceptable-to-adults ways for kids to respond to other kids hurting them doesn't include anything that actually WORKS, that's the adults creating and enabling an abusive situation.
If the adults don't set boundaries that are clear and consistent about 'this is not something that we just let happen here', NOBODY feels safe. (And all this is assuming the adults themselves are basically functional and not directly abusive, which is a big assumption.)
When one kid treats another kid or kids in ways that are *harmful* and/or violate their boundaries, the adult expectation should be that they have to do more than say 'sorry' and expect to be instantly rewarded. Kids have to do, have to be taught and helped and expected to do, the WORK of making amends to one another and to their community. Otherwise ... whenever someone hurts someone else's body, or their things, or harms them emotionally through words or actions that violate their boundaries and sense of reasonable safety ... if they get an escape clause like 'takes two to fight' or 'boys will be boys' or 'oh, girls just are clique-y at this age' or 'but I said sorry!' ... well, all the other kids that they have (directly or indirectly) hurt are being emotionally neglected at best, AND the kid who caused harm is being trained into negative behavior patterns that will set them up to be miserable and cause misery around them.
That takes a lot of time and resources to set limits, stop the problem in its tracks, redirect the action taking place, separate kids who need space (or that others need space from), help them de-escalate and become emotionally regulated and meet their individual needs, address underlying issues, talk through choices and solutions, and come up with a plan to try to fix things; and it will NOT be perfect; and kids will need a lot of support all through the process whether they did harm, or were harmed, or both. Building a community with accountability and respect and kindness and value given to diversity and room to grow is NOT easy, but it's also not *optional* for healthy socialization. Sadly we have lots and lots of adult priorities operating to make kids unhealthy and unhappy in our society...
*hugs offered*
Thanks again for hanging out with me yesterday evening!!!
no subject
Analysis from my perspective (some experience, but not drastic or majorly traumatic, experience of childhood bullying; adult experience as an educator) follows. CW for discussion of children and adults and emotional abuse ...
...
...
...
It may take two people to have an equal back-and-forth, positive or negative, but many interactions AREN'T equal. Someone initiates, or escalates, something; the other person has to respond *somehow,* even if the response is being passive or avoiding them, and passivity/avoidance/politeness just do NOT stop people who want to push or take or hurt or take advantage.
If the list of acceptable-to-adults ways for kids to respond to other kids hurting them doesn't include anything that actually WORKS, that's the adults creating and enabling an abusive situation.
If the adults don't set boundaries that are clear and consistent about 'this is not something that we just let happen here', NOBODY feels safe. (And all this is assuming the adults themselves are basically functional and not directly abusive, which is a big assumption.)
When one kid treats another kid or kids in ways that are *harmful* and/or violate their boundaries, the adult expectation should be that they have to do more than say 'sorry' and expect to be instantly rewarded. Kids have to do, have to be taught and helped and expected to do, the WORK of making amends to one another and to their community. Otherwise ... whenever someone hurts someone else's body, or their things, or harms them emotionally through words or actions that violate their boundaries and sense of reasonable safety ... if they get an escape clause like 'takes two to fight' or 'boys will be boys' or 'oh, girls just are clique-y at this age' or 'but I said sorry!' ... well, all the other kids that they have (directly or indirectly) hurt are being emotionally neglected at best, AND the kid who caused harm is being trained into negative behavior patterns that will set them up to be miserable and cause misery around them.
That takes a lot of time and resources to set limits, stop the problem in its tracks, redirect the action taking place, separate kids who need space (or that others need space from), help them de-escalate and become emotionally regulated and meet their individual needs, address underlying issues, talk through choices and solutions, and come up with a plan to try to fix things; and it will NOT be perfect; and kids will need a lot of support all through the process whether they did harm, or were harmed, or both. Building a community with accountability and respect and kindness and value given to diversity and room to grow is NOT easy, but it's also not *optional* for healthy socialization. Sadly we have lots and lots of adult priorities operating to make kids unhealthy and unhappy in our society...
*hugs offered*
Thanks again for hanging out with me yesterday evening!!!