kengr

Got a bunch of stressors going on, for one, annual inspection is Friday, but I figured I should get this one out here.

I hadn't really noticed it until Pride. With the shootings in Orlando, I really felt I should go. Even if it might be somewhat risky.

But I didn't. Why? Because I wasn't going to do the jeans and t-shirt I wear every day. But I couldn't bring myself to do genderfuck. I thought really hard about it, and even dug some stuff out, but I couldn't.

What I *wanted* was to go as Brooke. But that involved a lot of effort and a moderate bit of expense. Since my electric rtazor died a few years back (they unplugged it from the wal to thest the GFI outlet in the bathroom, and I didn't notice until weeks later, the batteries wouldn't take a charge anymore. :-(

So to properly "de-hair" myself, I'd have needed a lot of Veet or Nair. Did have the spare cash,, and it just felt like way too much trouble.

There *are* spaces where I'd be ok with genderfuck, but none of them are "public" places. And Pride *is* public in that there are a lot of "allies" around, and then of course there's taking public transit to and from.

This drives home that I''m actually a lot more dysphoric than I thought.

Also reminded me that I wish I'd figured out that I was trans a year or two earlier when I still had the money for laser or electro. *sigh*.

And of course, the depression doesn't help (the whole "way too much trouble" thing)