This was a throwaway idea for a Whateley fanfic. Probably not possible even in that universe, but too silly not to go with. I decided to post it after ysabetwordsmith
made a particular comment on someone's story.
Sandy was waiting for the last of the new batch of freshmen to show up so zie could take them on the tour. There was a zweet-boing noise from behind zir. Zie turned just in time for the human-sized roadrunner to startle zir with a loud "Meep! Meep!"
Zie was still boggling when the bird held up a sign with one wing. [Hi! I'm Velox.]
The sign flipped around and read [Is this the orientation tour for Twain?] Then it vanished.
"Uh, yeah. What's with the signs?"
[I can't talk anymore. Just make that sound.] flip [But I can manifest these signs] flip [Neat, huh?]
Sandy just shook zir head. Even for Whateley, Velox was a bit odd.
The last few freshmen showed up, and zie started the tour. After showing them the required places and things it came time for the usual "what's your power and how did you get it" talk.
Velox demonstrated his speed. The cloud of dust he raised was weird because it'd rained just that morning.
[Besides being fast, I'm either a reality warper...] flip [... or a probability warper.] flip [Weird stuff happens around me.]
[Don't EVER bring anything made by Acme near me!] flip [no way to tell what'll happen.] flip [but it won't be good for you.]
"What's with your code name?"
He held up a sign with a picture of a bird captioned [Lesser Roadrunner (Geococcyx velox)]
"So how'd you wind up like this?"
Apparently Velox got asked this a lot. He dug a paper from somewhere and handed it to the questioner. [Read it out loud, please.]
"Some friends had scored some weed, cheap. And we were having a party at my house since my folks were out of town. We were pretty stoned and I'd queued up all the Warner Brothers cartons on the player. We'd been watching Roadrunner cartoons for a couple hours when we all started feeling weird."
"I managed to call 911 before I passed out."
"Seems the guy who grew the weed had picked up some chemicals cheap. Fertilizer, pesticide, I forget what. They were cheap because they were some devisor stuff that didn't always work right."
"My friends just got sick. I turned into this."